Wednesday, a dear friend in my life who sat with me while I cried. She said to me, “write about this. Write about how your feeling now.”
So here I am.
Cancer, my world and what I wake up to everyday.
The past months and weeks I have been filled with strength, joy,excitement, love, gratitude, blessings and courage.
But I have also had worry,overwhelm, exhaustion, fear, self doubt and sadness.
Why? Because I’m honest. I look amazing, I feel amazing, I’m the fittest and healthiest I have ever been in my life. I love the person I am inside and outside. But yet at any given moment, the BIG C could take me down. This is my reality and what I live with everyday.
This week I have felt so raw and vunerable as I have shared with the world parts of my story. On top of that, I have been filled with self doubt, fear and questioned whether the road towards my dreams, passions and aspirations will come true.
Of course they will ! What a silly statement, but one that I’m sure everyone has experienced. That nagging fear of self doubt and judgement. I know this feeling all to well and so here I am finding myself writing about it. Honestly I’m not perfect, but I love myself and that’s more than enough.
Speaking the truth is what one does when they feel like this. Reach out to a loved one or ones. Be honest, open and truthful. What’s the worst that could happen? Nothing! Other than you feel better because you’ve let it out.
I visualised a balloon deflating and flying off in the distance when I sat and talked about it. As the tears rolled down my face, I just allowed myself to be with it all. It was ok, I was ok and I was going to be ok.
The next day, I went for my run. I always feel so at peace Especially when I run along the river here in Albury. It’s like everything that once was just dissipates. This is what it was like for me on Thursday.
Then I found myself just sitting in the sun and soaking up all that vitamin d. I had a peaceful moment to myself just breathing and allowing my inner calm and my thoughts to ground me and bring me back to the Here and now.
A shared cup of tea or coffee surrounding myself with like minded souls who love and appreciate me. Laughs, loving words spoken and stories shared with my friends. I did this too <3
My Husband and my children , taking time out to just be really present in their life and them in mine. Laughing, playing, snuggling on the lounge and just soaking up that love. Just enjoying the present.
In the end, It won’t define me because I don’t let it. If it did, I wouldn’t be the women I am today. I have so much love for who I am, that’s why when I struggle it’s hard to bear because I don’t like how it feels. I’m not that women anymore. I’m strong, brave and courageous.
So it’s Friday night now. I’m indulging, having a red wine, chocolate and icecream. How do I feel? Exhausted but extremely proud that I pushed through it. I smashed my third Shadow RPM class for this week and it was my best ever. I submitted my assignment that I had to redo. I’ve continued to write each day in my book and I’ve juggled the life and struggles of a 24/7 mum, wife, life in between and Yeah The Big C too !
How?! Because I talked about it and I acknowledged it for what it was when it was happening. I didn’t let it consume me and I loved myself to know that I needed to reach out to those near and dear in my life.
My message was clear the other day as I ran and visualised. “You are an amazing , strong, intelligent and vibrant women who is on a path of self discovery change and inspiration. Be kind to yourself dear one because you are so loved more than you will ever know.”
To ALL those beautiful souls that were present in some form for me this week. I love you beyond words always <3
Thankyou for gently reminding me that I’m human.
love me xx