I am sharing this in the hope that the message is clear. Rape and abuse is not ok and never will be. The legal system has gotten better since it happened to my younger self. But the stigma is still there in our society.
Look after your daughters. Love them hard and always check in with them. Make sure they are safe and aware of the dangers. As hard as it is educating them about the cruelties of this world,whilst it is confronting, it may have saved me had my parents been more present in my life.
I do warn you of the gravity of what you will read. I’m sharing my story in the hope that it will educate and show how quickly my innocence was taken from me and could happen to someone close to you in your life. A journey I wish I never had to experience.
Dear Me,
I remember the day as clear as you do,it is etched in my memory. You were fifteen and in year 10. You had just finished your week of work experience for a travel company close to home. You really had a great time and felt independent and happy. The people that were there were really nice people and you got on really well with them all.
Lying to your parents just became a reoccurring thing to do. You never really new how to be around your parents at any given time. Feelings of walking on egg shells , not wanting to be a burden, these where 24/7 feelings. You always seemed to find yourself in situations that were out of your control or did you just want to be loved? Your brothers were loved. What was wrong with you?
So you just resorted to the fact that what was the point anymore? That night you told your parents that you were going to stay at a girlfriend’s house from school. They knew the girl but were unaware that it was actually a party and boys were going to be there a lot older then you.
All you wanted was to be liked. To feel like you fit in somewhere in this world, but this just never happened. You felt like you never fit in and you always over compensated to get people to like you. You felt like the ugly duckling in the crowd.
Your memory of the night is very hazy and you were drinking alchol because you wanted to fit in and be liked. There was a boy there that you were interested in and you thought he liked you.
The next thing you knew you were in the bedroom. He had taken off all your clothes because you couldn’t. You were in and out of consciousness, not really sure what was happening. You said no to him. He didn’t listen. You tried to push him off you. He didn’t listen. He started to hurt you. You started crying. You kept saying no, but you were so intoxicated you couldn’t move and he was on top of you. You kept saying no. You were crying. No one could hear you because the music was so loud.
You passed out. When you woke up everyone at the party was calling you 5 finger girl.
All you wanted to do was go home , but home wasn’t that great either. Where did you belong ? What had just happened? Yes, you were raped.
When you woke up the next morning, you never spoke about it to any one . You never reported it. You never did anything. He got away with it and then started spreading rumors around your area about you.“ The five finger girl “. Where had your innocence gone? You didn’t care anymore. You just wanted to die. You just wanted to die.
You felt like no one was going to believe you and that you asked for it. You should have felt like you could talk to your parents, but you couldn’t. You felt like they would have said that you asked for it.
Speaking the truth now has set you free beautiful one. You are not alone anymore I am here for you. I love you
Love me <3